


Rolling Home

by ShenLong



Series: Destinies Arc [4]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, M/M, Shonen-ai, Trowa POV, sap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:39:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShenLong/pseuds/ShenLong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a side fic or maybe even a prequel if you like to "Lost Souls". It's set after Endless Waltz and Trowa has gone back to the circus which is currently on L3. He reflects back on his past and his current situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rolling Home

Disclaimer: I don't own the Gundam boys they belong to Bandai, Sotsu and respective copyright companies. Also I do not own the song "Rolling Home" It belongs to John Farnham and all rights are his. I just wanted to put the two together and see what I could come up with. :)

Rating: PG

Warnings: Sap, angst, Shonen-ai, Trowa POV

Pairings: 3+4

Notes: This is a side fic or maybe even a prequel if you like to "Lost Souls". It's set after Endless Waltz and Trowa has gone back to the circus which is currently on L3. He reflects back on his past and his current situation.

_Indicates Song lyrics_

Archive: www.gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com Anyone else please ask. :)

 

"Rolling Home"

Written: Sept 2002 ShenLong

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The show was over for yet another evening. I checked on the lions one last time before making my way back through the darkness of the night to the trailer I shared with the one I called my sister. All was peaceful now that the crowds had gone and the only noises to disturb the quiet was that of the animals moving in their various confinements.

The light spilled from the open doorway guiding me back to the place I now called home. Home.... what did that word hold for me? For all the meanings that word could have, none of them mattered to me.

Why?

I wish I knew.

_Have you ever been lonely?_  
_Tired and broken?_  
_And you dream of rolling home._

The wars were now nothing more than a bitter sweet memory, something to be looked back upon and hopefully learn from the mistakes to make a better existence for both earth and colonies alike. I had no doubts that it would not be forgotten. The history lessons would continue and so the stories of the wars and the participating factions would be taught to the coming generations with the hope of preventing further such tragedies from happening again.

War..... I hated it. But I, like so many others, had been forced to participate. I guess I was one of the lucky ones....

I survived.

But did I?

My body may have come through the many battles with some scarring to show, but my identity? That had been torn from me in more ways than I cared to remember. Finally, when the battles had ended and we could let go of the soldier and return to a life of peace, I found myself afloat in a sea of uncertainty. All I knew had been the battle and for so long I had fought to protect others without caring what happened to myself in the process. For a while there I wandered aimlessly, trying to find a niche in life. I recall after twelve months of fruitless searching I was once more staring at the battle field. How many more innocents had to die?.... How many more scarifies did I have to make before the race that calls itself mankind realizes its mistakes and ceases this endless bloodshed?

_My hearts on the runway,_  
_My soul on the freeway_  
_How I wish I was rolling home._

Yet this time we managed to stop the fighting before it could develop into a full scale war. Unfortunately it didn't mean there weren't casualties. Somehow we all found ourselves staring death in the face and surviving once again. How many times do we have to suffer before we can cease this mindless fighting and attempt to take back our lives?

How much more before I could begin to find and understand who I am?

I once was a gentle caring person, even if I have no recollection of my birth or early years, I just know I was. Then the war happened and I became a soldier... a trained killer. I did what I had to do.

But it didn't mean that I had to like it.

Or accept it.

_Familiar faces fill my mind,_  
_From the world I left behind_  
_And it haunts me when I'm sleeping._

The nights were the worst. Trying to avoid sleep in an attempt to hold the nightmares at bay. I guess I was lucky in one way. You found me. After sharing some things together I found myself relaxing around you and even opening up a little. It struck me that while we were both so different, we were still so very much alike. 

All of us were.

Trained to fight, infiltrate, kill, we went about our daily lives wearing our masks. The mask of coldness, that of the jester, the one of justice, the peacemaker and the clown. How we longed to drop those masks. Searching for the day when we could be free from them.

We thought it had happened, but once more we had to don them. Funny how although we all hid behind those facades you managed to see through mine. You knew when I needed comfort or silence and were there to give, never asking for anything in return.

I pause in my steps to the trailer and instead of entering I find myself seeking out the solace once more. I sit on the bales of straw by the lions I love so dearly and stare at the artificial sky. I wonder what you are doing now?

_I awake only to find,_  
_That the truth can be unkind,_  
_When you're living in the wasteland._

I remember the times we shared together, our love of music drawing us closer than I was prepared to allow. I knew you only offered companionship but I could not... would not allow myself to accept it. While your intentions were pure I was tainted. How could I tarnish such an innocent being with my own bloodied soul?

Unfazed you continued to seek me out, gently invading my life without my being aware of it until I knew you meant more to me than a mere friend. You held me when the nightmares surfaced and soothed my fevered skin with your gentle touches . The soft words reassured me that my life was indeed worth living.

I clung to you so many times drawing on your strength and light to guide me back when I floundered and lost my way. You could have taken anything... demanded anything from me - and I would have given it.

But you never did.

Instead you were content to take what little I offered knowing that what I graced you with came of my own free will.

I loved you for that.

But I was scared.

_I came to the city,_  
_With hope for the future_  
_Now I long to be rolling home._

With the end to the second war I was once more adrift. Just when I had started to let the soldier go I was forced back into the role. To let go a second time became impossible. Again you were there to hold and comfort me, chase away the darkness and replace it with your light. But I didn't know what I wanted. I was confused, angry and hurt. I can still see the tears in your eyes as I told you of my decision.

"Quatre.... I need to leave... I have to go."

I repeat the words to myself, so long ago spoken to you and feel the pain that tears through the very fabric of my being.

I knew the depth of your caring for me and it scared me. I wasn't ready for that. I needed to find whatever it was my soul was calling for.

I needed to find myself. For until I could know who I was and what I had become I could not return your affection for fear of hurting you.

Although you said you understood I could still see the pain, hurt and confusion within your heart. The memory of that gentle face holding so much emotion within, determined not to let me see that inside you were dying while smiling as you bade me farewell will haunt me forever.

Do you know how hard it was for me to leave?

_Familiar places fill my mind,_  
_As my dreams come back in time_  
_And it haunts me when I'm sleeping._

I sigh softly and stare at the lions through the bars of their cages. I came back to the circus... back to the one place that I felt could heal me. I was welcomed with open arms and immediately threw myself back into the world of sawdust and grease paint. Cathy was pleased to have me back. I swear that woman has a maternal instinct that runs deeper than space itself.

I did not object to her mothering of me though. I felt I needed it. She knew. She knew without asking just what was going on inside my heart. And bless her she let me be, knowing I had to find myself and forgive before I could even begin to understand the underlying promise that lay locked within my heart.

Like you she never pushed me, but opted to quietly observe from the sidelines as I threw myself into the work of the circus with abandon. 

Desperate to let go of the past.......

Despairing of ever finding the future.

_I awake only to find,_  
_That the truth can be unkind_  
_When you're living in the wasteland._

I guess I went a little crazy. Didn't we all? I missed the adrenaline rush of the battle, pitting my wits against the enemy and so I began to search for ways to fulfill that urge... that longing. I knew I was tempting fate once more and yet I was powerless to stop it The lions and the knife act were not enough. I needed more, I craved more.....

And so I threw myself into anything I could with the hope of finding that something to fill the gaping hole in my soul.

The more I pushed myself the larger the ache.

When the knives lost their thrill the high wire took their place. Oh it worked for a while. The thrill that I felt course through my veins as I tempted fate once more set me on fire, but at the end, when the lights had dimmed and the roar of the cheers had long since quieted, so the cold, empty feeling returned yet again.

Cathy chastised me for being so foolish with my life, flaunting it in the manner I did. I knew she cared but it wasn't what I wanted to hear and so I retreated again behind the persona I felt comfortable with. After all, I had been a Gundam pilot and danced with death on several occasions...

I knew the steps.

The lions became my companions. With them I could talk for as long as I wished or remain silent. They didn't judge me, mock me or try to comfort me. They just listened with that regal air.

It was while I was with one of my cats that I managed to begin to put the pieces of my shattered existence back together. I guess I had become too lax in my attentions, It was as if the lioness Sasha could see into my soul and knew the pain I was suffering...... for she was also suffering.

I have to tell you that animals have an uncanny sense of what is right and wrong and she knew.... she knew and although I was too blind to see it at the time she gave me the open door with which to pass through and find the peace I longed so much for.

_There's a car in the distance,_  
_To take me to freedom_  
_Tomorrow, I'll be rolling home_  
_Maybe tomorrow rolling home._

I ruffled her head and only listened to her soft growls with half an ear. I continued to play with her, but only part of me was there. That proved to be a mistake....

Or was it a blessing?

For the first time since I had called the cats my friends I let my guard down. Listening to Cathy's scolding afterwards and the shock that one of the animals I so dearly loved had harmed me jolted me back to the painful truth and finally I was able to see for myself what others had been privy to for so long.

I was forced to see why I was so empty.

While Sasha was in confinement from her mate for practical reasons, I was in confinement from mine for purely selfish ones.

Now I understood.

The longing I felt in trying to find myself and my reasons for surviving had been in front of me all the time. All I needed to live... to exist had been there for me -and I had pushed it away.

Home....

Now I knew where my home was. Now I knew who I was.

With the peace I now harbored settling the troubled waters of my mind and soul I could let go of the past.

And hope I still had a future.....

_I'm tired of living on my own,_  
_Tomorrow I'll be rolling home._

How could I have ever doubted you? The call I made served to remind me of just how much I had left behind. To see your smiling face and the way your eyes lit up with fire as I asked your forgiveness and acceptance will stay with me for eternity.

I don't deserve you.

And with your peaceful, loving nature you accepted my reasons for leaving, never giving up on the hope that I would eventually come to my senses and see the real person... the real reason for my existence.

The tears shone in those teal depths as I asked the question you had waited so long to hear...

"Quatre.... can I come home?"

I stare out the window of the shuttle as we clear the clouds and prepare to land. I know you will be waiting for me. Waiting and without a second thought you will welcome me back.

_Break the chains that hold me down,_  
_Set my sights I'm homeward bound._

I see you standing there as sunbeams dance across your frame, lighting you up with the glow of an angel, but it is the words that you speak that close the last remaining wound and give wings to the specter of the soldier, allowing that ghost to finally fly and free my heart.

"Welcome home, Trowa."

Home..........

~ Owari ~


End file.
